Death Note Crackfic: Ch 6

NAHHHGAHHWRUAHHBLAHRG.

In this episode of The Ultimate Death Note Crackfic...

L: But...but Light-kun...h-how could you kill the entire task force...?

Light: Foolish little detective...You lack hatred. You must hate me. Detest me.  And then, when you have the same Notebook as I do-

Itachi Uchiha: STOP STEALING MY LINE, BITCH!! *punches Light*

Matsuda: Julie! NOOOOOOO!!

Rem: It had to happen, Matsuda...She had no choice...

Near: YOU KILLED GERTRUDE, YOU BASTARD!

Mello: Hehehe...It was inevitable...The turkey was getting in the way of my plan...

Near: What plan...?

Mello: My plan...to annihilate waffles so that pancakes may rule the world! WAHAHAHA!!!

Misa: *looking in mirror* Misa...I think I'm pregnant...And Misa's the father!!

Ryuk: Baby, baby, baby, oooh!!

...

No. Not really.

*in some random wildlife park...*

Light: HOW THE HELL COULD THAT MOOSE MISTAKE MATSUDA FOR A FUCKING PANCAKE?!?!?

Mountain Ranger Guy: Uhh...uh...we-we're sorry sir! If there's anything we can do to help...

Light: GET MATSUDA THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!

Mello: Hmm...how long do you think we have to save Matsuda?

Ryuk: IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND!!!!

Light: *punches Ryuk* SHUT UP! THIS IS FREAKIN SERIOUS!!

*Hours Earlier*

Light: Alright, we're here at the park!

Matsuda: Ooh look! Mooses!

Mooses: NGAUHBLUAHH.

Matsuda: I'm gonna touch the pretty mooses!! 8-D *skips happily toward mooses*

Near: Hmm...It says that these types of mooses have really really bad eyesight and sense of smell...

Matsuda: HAIII PRETTY MOOSES!!

Near: ...and really really love pancakes.

Mooses: ARRGHBLUAHRGWAHRG. *runs toward Matsuda*

Matsuda: COME HITHER PRETTY MOOSES! COME TO MATSUDA!! I BRINGZ CHEEZBURGURS!!

Mooses: NGRAHHWUARRGHAAHGHHAGH. *lunges at Matsuda*

Matsuda: THAT'S IT MY LITTLE MOOSIES! COME TO- Oh no...OH MY GOD-

Mooses: NGAUUWRAHHOMNOMNOMWAAHHHH.

Everybody: NOOOO! MATSUDAAA!!!

Mooses: WAHHRGGRAHBLUAHBURRRRP.

*Present*

Mountain Ranger Guy: So..uhm...I'll do all I can to get your friend out, but it will take a considerable amount of time...about-

Ryuk: OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAND!!!

Light: *punches Ryuk* Hmm...are you sure Matsuda will be safe?

Mountain Ranger Guy: I'm sure...Pancake Mooses digest stuff really slowly so we have about seven hours before your friend completely disintegrates.

Intent on saving Matsuda, our dear lovable DN Gang got right to work, trying to track down and subdue the moose that had eaten poor Matsuda.

Meanwhile...

Matsuda: *delusional and slowly disintegrating inside moose's stomach* The hiillsss are aliiive...with the souuund of muuuuusiiiiiccc....Sing with me Fluffeh!

*back with Light and the others...*

Light: Everybody! I found some tracks over here!

Everybody: *rushes over to Light*

L: Light...These are fox tracks.

Mountain Ranger Guy: Dude...how could you mistake THESE for moose tracks?

Light: Oh I don't know, Captain Obvious...How could your precious MOOSE mistake a middle-aged Japanese dumbshit police officer for a PANCAKE?!

Mountain Ranger Guy: Well, you didn't need to bring that up, Sergeant Sarcasm, un!

Mello: Hmm...I recognize you from somewhere, Mountain Ranger Guy...

Matt: Dude! You're Deidara from Naruto! What are YOU doing here?

Deidara: Yeahhh...since I, like, died, and I wasn't going to appear in the show again forever, I thought I should take a job somewhere else, un.

BB: Weren't you, like, a serial killing terrorist bomber or something? How'd you wind up HERE?

Deidara: Long story, un. But it's ok. Most of the other dead anime characters from other series work here. Wait a minute...weren't ALL of you guys dead? Except for that weird albino kid, Far or some shit, un?

Near: -.- It's Near, and I revived them with my mystical albino genius powers.

Deidara: What? That doesn't even make sense, hmm!!

Near: Neither does having mouths on your hands and another giant mouth in place of your left nipple.

Deidara: ...Touche.

BB: And it doesn't make sense how you can vomit a giant explosive sculpture of yourself. Are you like anorexic or something?

Deidara: ...

Rem: And how you can look so effeminate yet have such a deep man voice.

Mikami: Wait...she was a MAN?! Dayum, shawty...you was lookin so fiiine...

Deidara: OK OK! I get it, un! My series doesn't really make much sense-

L: And I don't understand why you say "Un" after everything you say.

Matt: And how your ponytail stays up so high.

Near: Do you have, like, a clay fetish or something?

Ryuk: And why you don't like apples.

Deidara: DID I TELL YOU THOSE SCULPTURES I BUILT NEXT TO THE GATE ARE FUCKING EXPLOSIVE, HMMM?!??!

Everybody: *shuts up* ._.

Deidara: That's what I thought. Now let's go find that moose, hmm. ...And I DO like apples, actually. I make a really awesome apple pie, un.

And so, after 2 hours of frantic searching, the DN Gang and Deidara finally found the moose in whose belly Matsuda was trapped. After a gruesome, bloody explosion of deer guts, courtesy of Deidara, they cautiously went over to the remains of the dreaded moose...and found...nothing.

Light: &*(BHIUYTGU&HK!!!!!!

The DN Gang, though distraught, did not give up, and by sunset, they had finally found Matsuda after blowing up their 13th moose.

Matsuda: TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STARRR! HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU...PEEENIIISSSS....

Deidara: Oh, I forgot to mention that their stomach acids can cause severe delusions, un.

Matsuda: KIRA-SAMAAAAAA!!!! *flop*

Light: Hmm...I'm going to have lots of fun...*evil grin*

Everybody: O_o

L: But...but Light-kun...I thought what we had was special!! *sob*

What will become of our poor Matsuda? What does the evil Imagay have in store for him? What is Deidara doing here anyway? Find out in the next episode!