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Death Note Crackfic: Ch 8.2

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Intermission, Part II

In the last episode, we see Byakuya's (and Renji's) illegitimate baby with a rare affliction, Ulquiorra being an incurable emo kid, and L throwing kitchen appliances at everybody. What crazy new developments shall arise in this installment? Let's find out...

Byakuya: A...A...A LLAMA?!

Doctor: Yes, sir...I'm afraid your child has been diagnosed with CRACKLLAMARETARDIOSIS.

Byakuya: Crackllamaretardiosis...?

Doctor: Yes...This disease is extremely rare...Only 0.000032532938% of all people in the world have it. It causes human babies...

Byakuya: Actually, I'm a Soul Reaper.

Doctor: Did I ask? No. Now quiet, bitch. So, Crackllamaretardiosis causes the undeveloped fetus to-

L: *throws refrigerator at doctor* Shut up, asshole.

Doctor: =.= Well basically the baby turns into a llama inside the mother's uterus.

Byakuya: O.O

Renji: Haha.

Light: *writes Renji's name in Death Note*

Renji: X_X

Misa: OOH! CUTE WIDDLE LLAMA!!! MISA-MISA'S GONNA MAKE SUCH A NICE SOUP OUT OF YOU!!

Rukia: NO! Nobody touches him!

Byakuya: Actually, you can chop him up and eat him for all I care.

Matt: *GASP* YOU HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PERSON...SOUL REAPER...THING!!

Mello: HOW COULD YOU KILL YOUR OWN CHILD YOU BASTARD?!

Byakuya: Coming from a Mafia leader who blew up his entire secret headquarters? Look who's talking.

L: *throws Uryuu at Byakuya*

Uryuu: WHY is it always ME?!

BB: Because we're all tired of hearing your damn Quincy speeches.

Uryuu: YOU DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT TO A QUINCY. I AM A QUINCY THEREFORE I AM AWESOME! QUINCIES HAVE THE AWESOME POWER OF AWESOME QUINCIES AND I AM A QUINCY THEREFORE I HAVE THE POWERS OF AWESOME QUINCIES! I-

L: *throws sink at Uryuu* Shut up, Quincy.

Ulquiorra: *sniffle* Nobody loves me. T.T

Mello: What are you talking about? You have that guy...er...whatserface...Grimmjow Jagermeister. Yeah. Him.

Matt: What? I'm PRETTY sure it was Jaguarjocks.

Ichigo: No, no, no! It's Jumpercables. Grimmjow Jumpercables.

Misa: GRIMMJOWWWW PANTYFACE!!

Rukia: ...Where did you get "Pantyface"?

Ryuk: Hyuk hyuk...Grimmjow Pantyface...Has quite a nice ring to it...*eats apple*

Mello: It's Jagermeister! I swear! I went to kindergarten with him!

Near: How's that even possible? Both of us were at Wammy's House then.

Mello: Yeah, but at Wammy's House, Grimmjow was known as Wilbert.

Near: Wilbert Jagermeister?

Matt: OHHHH I remember him! He was that guy who was caught having sex with Linda's cat!

Ichigo: Wait...that was Grimmjow BEFORE he became a Hollow...Arrancar...Espada thing?

Mello: Uhm...Yeah. Pretty much. He was a weird guy.

L: =.= Don't remind me.

Orihime: Hmm...He probably took the name Grimmjow after he became a Hollow...

L: Ahh...here we go...I found this old yearbook of Wammy's House lying around somewhere. Here's Grimmjow's picture.

Everybody: ...Oh god WTF.

Rem: Why does he have so many pimples?!

Uryuu: MY QUINCY EYES!!!

BB: Is that his tooth?!

Chad: THAT'S NOT A TOOTH THAT'S A HAMSTER!!!

Ryuk: *passes out*

Light: WHY DOES HE HAVE A WAFFLE STICKING OUT HIS ASS CRACK?!

Matsuda: WHY IS HIS ASS CRACK IN THIS PICTURE ANYWAY?!

Mikami: Not cool, dawg.

Rukia: *screaming and flailing wildly around clutching at her eyes which have just been blinded*

L: *reads off yearbook* Wilbert Jagermeister...Born 31st July...Known for unsavory animal fetish and addiction to waffles...Was caught brutally having sex with fellow student's cat and masturbating with waffles.

Ulquiorra: ._. My mind has been raped forever.

Grimmjow: Hey everyone! I brought cookies! ...Hey! That's a yearbook from Wammy's House!

Mello: HEY! WILBERT! HOW'S IT GOING?!

Grimmjow: Don't...Call...Me...WILBERRRRTTT!!!! *Epic Pantera Form*

Everybody: ._.

Ichigo: ...LOL Wilbert.

Grimmjow: HSKJFNSDKJFSHKJLSTUPIDRANGAAAA!!! *attacks Ichigo*

Ichigo: X_X

Byakuya: So...what do we about my...llama child?

Misa: MISA WILL MAKE NICE YUMMY YUM YUM SOUP FOR EVERYBODY!!! =D

Rukia: NO! *punches Misa* We're not going to make a soup out of it! Llama or no llama, it's my brother's child and I'll love it no matter what!

Chad: Aww...Llama soup is actually pretty good, Rukia. You should try some.

Matt: Anyway, what should we name it?

Rukia: Hmm...Bobby. Bobby Kuchiki.

L: ...Bobby? That was the best you could come up with?

Near: Aww...We should have named it after Wilbert.

Grimmjow: SHUT UP!! *attacks Near*

Near: X.x

And so, Rukia decided to keep Bobby Kuchiki alive. Months later, Bobby became a full-fledged Soul Reaper despite the fact that he was a llama. He was able to unlock his Zanpakuto, which turned whatever it touched into llama food, and defeat evil enemies with his super epic llama Soul Reaper powers.

Byakuya: ...O.o whut.

Rukia: Yay! Bobby! I'm so proud of you!

Bobby: Stick it to yo ass, bitch.

Byakuya: He could talk? o.O

Rem: Maybe if you spent more time with him then you'd know.

Mikami: Yeah, Bobby! Work yo gangsta vibes!

Right, Bobby! Listen to you uncle Mikami and play this episode out!

Bobby: SHE GOT DEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS (JEANS) BOOTS WID DA FURRRR (DA FUR!) AND DA WHOLE CLUB LOOKIN AT HURRRR! SHE HIT DA FLO! (SHE HIT DA FLO!) NEXT THING YA KNOW SHAWTY GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW *fades out*
DISCLAIMER
:bulletblue: Death Note (c) Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata
:bulletblue: Bleach (c) Tite Kubo
:bulletblue: Low (c) Flo-Rida
:bulletblue: Anything else I may have mentioned (c) Their respective owners or creators

:bulletred: PREV: [link]
:bulletred: NEXT: [link]
:bulletred: FIRST: [link]

:orange: BEHOLD! BOBBY KUCHIKI THE AWESOME RAPPING LLAMA!! And Ulquiorra the stupid emo kid...Dude. Nobody cares.
:orange: Now that this story is almost at its end...What do you guys think should happen to the Death Note characters, since most of them have only been revived by Near's mystical albino genius detective powers. Should they die again? Or move on with their lives? Tell me in the comments! :iconrainbowlightplz:
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strangerandstranger's avatar
near matt and mello have awesome threesum butttsmecks!!!!!